I Tell Albert
by storyofalice
Saturday evening, on my way home, I received a text from Albert: ‘Can’t wait to cuddle up with you later! xxx’. Albert had been away for a few days, staying with his parents, and I assumed, because of our arrangement, that he might try to get laid. The arrangement was that we were both free to sleep with others, as long as we used protection and didn’t bring anyone home.
I got home, took a long bath, and climbed to bed. I was almost asleep when Albert walked in with a smile and a swagger.
Are you stoned, baby?
Very! It’s SO good to see you, I missed you! I know it’s only been a few days, but it feels like it’s been so long.
Before he kissed me, I blurted out: Albert, I have to tell you something.
Go on.
I slept with someone.
Sensing my rush of emotions, he sat next to me on the bed and took my hand.
Shh, that’s ok, sweetie, I still love you. Who was it?
That boy from the band? But it didn’t mean anything and I didn’t even want to and I realised how lucky I’ve been to have you in my life for so long. I mean, he wasn’t bad, but he wasn’t good either, just an ordinary boy. You’re something else, baby, you’re in a completely different category.
You flatterer.
It’s all true though!
Well, I, on the other hand, have been on some different adventures, he said seriously.
My heart sank as I prepared myself to hear that he slept with someone else, but, instead, he took a Kinder Egg out of his pocket. When we’d been away for Easter, he saw how excited I got to find a cute little frog in one of them, and he’s helping me hunt for similarly adorable toys. I started sniffling. How can I be so mean?
It’s ok, it’s ok, he said. I still love you. You know what they say, it’s unconditional.
He did, however, wrap himself tight in his blanket and didn’t want to cuddle up.
Does this mean that you’ll never sleep with me again?
I just need a few days, ok?
We spent the rest of the night chatting about his plans for the summer – how he was going to travel loads and grow his vegetables back at his parents’ farm.
I woke up next morning with a sinking feeling. I looked at Albert, and he was sulking with his eyes shut tight, pretending he was asleep. Oh no, I said to myself.
Are you ok, baby?
No answer.
Are you mad at me? I thought you were ok last night… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you.
Will Albert and I get over this? Can we?
It’s such a terrible pity.
You have something rare/extraordinary with each other.
xo
Thanks, Cakes. I think we do. xoxo
People are complex. We don’t always know what’s okay ahead of time; sometimes we have to wait til it happens, then see how it really is.
Oh dear…
But at the very least, (like Theo said) you’ll have answers now…not what ifs…
You know, he started all this drama when he began his litany of leavings and though moot, I wish you hadn’t told him. You see, I think he really loves you and all his squirming about having to go is really fear wrapped up in nebulous plans. When something is really good you’re so afraid it will end that sometimes you sabotage it yourself to quell the anxiety.
I know all about it.
You only started oogling the band by the way when Albert began is little dance.
That said, I’m older than you Alice and sometimes it’s best to keep something that will not serve another to yourself.
And yes, the 2 of you will heal. You love one another after all and love is the greatest elixir.
PS – I see some rollicking ass sex in the very near future. He will reclaim what he fears has been stolen.
Whew – who am I channeling?
Thank you for your wise thoughts, Susannah! As always, you are absolutely right. I’m not sure who you’re channelling, but sometimes I wonder if you have a crystal ball!
As long as I never offend you with my 2 cents. I’ve said this before but you are young and beautiful with your whole life in front of you. Wait, the best is yet to come.
As always, this is only my take…
Once you open your relationship, it’s manipulative to withhold love and affection from the other because, in fact, permissions were granted. These were the boundaries that you both agreed upon. It seems, however, (from what information your blog shares) that there is a possibility that neither of you–on one or many levels–really *love* the new boundaries. You love him. He loves you. You love each other. Why have an open relationship? To prepare yourselves for the eventual heartbreak that is forthcoming AND of Albert’s own creation? Clearly, from his response, he is not ready to share you with another man. He felt betrayed. From your sense of foreboding, you may have been hurt, too, had he been with someone else. Just because you sense that a break-up is looming, doesn’t mean that you want it. It doesn’t mean that you want to be apart from one another. Albert’s declaration that he must follow his hedonistic nature and sow his wild seed far and wide on pastures unknown lest he miss potential adventures is what set this entire relational situation in motion. In the end, he has a choice. He can be the perpetual hedonist with YOU who seems to be his perfect match. In fact, I bet you could best him and teach him a thing or two. He could choose to grow up and embrace the process of maturing, loving the learning, realizing that our identities are composed of infinite faces; it takes a lifetime to see each one. The Inner Hedonist is only one. To embrace only that part of himself in the relational context is to arrest his own development and go on the same adventure…over and over and over again for eternity. And, to stay with a man who wants to experience life in that manner is like trying to nail down smoke caught on the wind. Sex is only part of a meaningful relationship; and, in the end, if you are looking to flourish and see clearly, it’s pretty damn hard when smoke keeps getting in your eyes.
Wow, Lady J, your understanding of the situation is crystal clear and very well articulated. Yes, we still love each other, and no, we’re not ready to live without each other, but the perpetual hedonist must go. I’ll make him sandwiches and wait for him to write back.
[...] morning after I told Albert, we both woke up with a feeling of doom. But Albert, didn’t you say that you loved me? [...]